…that the man in Lidl buying the two dozen tins of lager, bongo drum set *and* harmonica does not live next door to me!
Today, I said a Prayer of Thanks…
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Monthly Archives: October 2018
There is a limit to my talents…
I can put on my make-up – including liquid eyeliner *and* mascara – on a fast-moving, violently rocking, train but if I try to put on my coat, I flap around like an octopus on steroids, hitting every other commuter in the vicinity…
Dressing for the occasion
“You’re so lucky not to wear a uniform.”
“I know!”
“I hate this uniform.”
“When you come home from school, do you change?”
“Yeah.”
“What do you change into?”
“Depends.”
“Depends on what?”
“My mother.”
“Why?”
“If she’s made soup, I change into my onesie.”
“Oh!”
“If she’s made me a sandwich, I change into pyjamas.”
“Oh…”
Happy piggy…
“Love dem crisps!”
“Which ones?”
“Keogh’s chore-eat-zO and cherry tomatoes.”
“Why so?”
“Can really taste the chore-eat-zO in dem. And love da pack.”
“What’s with the pack?”
“Look! See dat. It’s such a happy, smiley, pig. Lovely.”
“Bet the other side isn’t as ‘lovely’.”
“Huh?”
“Bet if you flip it over, there’s a pic of a very unhappy pig with half his arse gnawed off to make those crisps!”
“Dat’s awful!”
Misunderstood attention…
She looks at me through the glass. This sultry young one with her long, dark, hair. Her gaze turns to a stare that bores straight through me. Getting unnerved, I still hold firm. I think ‘Ya can stare all you like but I’m not being ousted from my comfy seat!’
And yet, she continues to stare, her eyes widening as each moment passes. I look back, totally resolved not to give up my seat.
Then her demeanour changes to a more seductive pose. Still looking straight at me, her tongue begins to stroke the side of her lips. Slowly, very slowly, she raises a finger to her mouth and gently, very gently, begins sucking on it.
I’m looking at the girl at the glass and she’s looking directly back at me. She’s still sucking the tip of her finger and I’m thinking to myself ‘WTF is this young wan on?!?’ And yet, I can’t look away.
As she slowly turns to the corner, between the glass and the wall of the train, her long hair falls back and I see the wires from her headphones. Her eyes now closed, her mouth gently moving, I realise she’s on the phone and I’m left in no doubt what the person at the other end is ‘discussing!’
The Quinns Reunite
In October 2013, we Quinns gathered in a manner that would make Leo Varadkar and his “Gathering” project proud. Huddled in a basement room in The Gresham hotel, we were each given a name card with our parent/grandparent’s name on it. My dad’s preferred name was ‘Bill’ but the family still call him ‘Willie’. We delighted on how many times they could get ‘Willie’ on the same card. My daughter particularly liked the two side panels of ‘Willie’.
We mingled with our fellow Quinn folk, reading names off each other’s chests. When an elderly lady asked me if my father ‘was the big or the small Willie?’ I really didn’t know what to answer. I politely nodded agreement with this elderly cousin who informed me that ‘Our family certainly has an awful lot of Willies…’ Not smirking was made even more difficult while trying to ignore other family members emitting tipsy giggles. After all those ‘Willie’ comments, however, I can only surmise that the only way is up…!
Reasons not to get the Flu Jab…
“…because I’m afraid, in ten years’ time, I will have grown an extra arm…”
Eh…asking for a friend…
Well, that was a fun trip. Some a**holes set fire to the tracks which delayed the train. Fine. Had enough time to get home, pick up my car and drive to the dentist. Nope. Because of the delay, Irish Rail decide to terminate the train at Howth Junction. Instead of waiting for the next train, I decide to walk as I’ll miss my appointment otherwise. So I traipse down the steps and out on to road – in heels – followed by three young fellas comparing notes on techniques used by their girlfriends in giving…eh…hand relief. I arrive at my destination with aching feet, a sweat drenched face and none the wiser about the three lads’ experiences as I couldn’t keep up the pace to glean any tips (asking for a friend).
Parents? Pfft!
“Hi Mum. Can you do me a favour? Yeah? Can you go up to my room and look for a top for me?”
“Are you there?”
“Okay. It’s the pink one I bought recently.”
“No. That’s salmon.”
“No. That’s too pink.”
“Mum. I said PINK not red!”
“It’s like the blue one you like.”
“No. Not that one. The lace one.”
“It’s definitely there.”
“Hanging up.”
“Oh wait… Maybe it’s on the shelf.”
“Yeah. That sounds like it.”
How many arms does it have?”
“I meant sleeves. You know I meant sleeves!”
“No. I am not getting angry.”
“No. I am not upset.”
“Yes. I am grateful.”
“Yes. I do know you’re doing me a favour.”
“Okay. So it has one sleeve.”
“Is it left or right?”
“Yes. These things do matter.”
“No. I didn’t put it in the wash.”
“Don’t you trust me??? Why are you going through my laundry basket?”
“Yeah. Well, maybe I did leave it at work.”
“Actually, now that I think about it. I did leave it at work.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“Huh?”
“Be like that then!”
And clicking off the phone, she turns to the rest of us, throws her eyes up to heaven and mutters “Parents? Pfft!”
At the end of a long day…
“Buy anything nice?”
“Yeah.”
“So tell us then.”
Opening the bag wide, she says…
“Bottle of gin and two litres of tonic. Only €22.”
“€22?”
“Yeah.”
“At that price, it’s probably meths.”
“After the day we’ve had, does it really matter?!?!”
Thoughts of a Middle Aged Teen 