Legal Eagles…

“Big case coming up.”
“What’s it about?”
“Can’t say. But what I will say is this – up to my *moobs* in prep work.”

<Beavis and Butthead guffaws>

“Where is it?”
“Reckon it’s the High Court. Not sure if we’re before a judge or judges.”
“When will you know?”
“On the day probably. Leads to a question though.”
“What question?”
“What’s the plural of judge? Judge or judges?”

<Say ‘No. I think you’ll find the plural of “judge” is Jedi’ I scream inside my head. Jedi. Jedi. Jedi!!!>

“Think it’s ‘judge’.”

<Oh, sweet Lord…!>

Parents? Pfft!

“Hi Mum. Can you do me a favour? Yeah? Can you go up to my room and look for a top for me?”
“Are you there?”
“Okay. It’s the pink one I bought recently.”
“No. That’s salmon.”
“No. That’s too pink.”
“Mum. I said PINK not red!”
“It’s like the blue one you like.”
“No. Not that one. The lace one.”
“It’s definitely there.”
“Hanging up.”
“Oh wait… Maybe it’s on the shelf.”
“Yeah. That sounds like it.”
How many arms does it have?”
“I meant sleeves. You know I meant sleeves!”
“No. I am not getting angry.”
“No. I am not upset.”
“Yes. I am grateful.”
“Yes. I do know you’re doing me a favour.”
“Okay. So it has one sleeve.”
“Is it left or right?”
“Yes. These things do matter.”
“No. I didn’t put it in the wash.”
“Don’t you trust me??? Why are you going through my laundry basket?”
“Yeah. Well, maybe I did leave it at work.”
“Actually, now that I think about it. I did leave it at work.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“Huh?”
“Be like that then!”

And clicking off the phone, she turns to the rest of us, throws her eyes up to heaven and mutters “Parents? Pfft!”

When is a mole not a mole…?

“Have a look at this thing on my chin. What do you think it is?”
“No clue.”
“Ah feck. Have a closer look.”
“Maybe it’s a mole.”
“That’s mad talk!”
“Huh?”
“How could it be a mole?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, if it was a mole, surely I would have felt its ickle paws on my skin?”
“Ah, you eejit!!!”

My car’s better than your car…

So I’m listening to these two on the train. Truthfully, it’s only one as the other cannot get a word in edgeways. The first woman is lamenting that her beloved soft top has to be stored for the winter months.

“I know it’s only a 03, and you probably drive a 04 or 05, but I really will miss it.”

Sharp intake of breath and the other one replies…

“I drive a 162 – actually…”

“Oh”, winces the other. Her car driving status painfully ripped from underneath her like a Bandaid off a 6 year old’s knee!

[2016]

All aboard the London-Dublin Express…

Overheard after lunch:

Two guys telling all about the two gorgeous American gals they met in London. Oh, how they tried to impress these Dublin lads.

“Yeah. They were f-ing gorgeous. Chatting us up an’ all.”
“Yeah. Told us they were out with some rock stars, had loads to drink…”
“And delighted in telling us they hopped on a train to Dublin to have more drinks at Bono’s hotel, The Clarence.”
“And then got the train home again.”
“Yeah. They may have been cute but boy, were they thick as shit not to realise that Ireland is an island!”

September 2016